Klowning Around
by FourBrainlobes
Summary: Mike/Dave – High School Klown-Human Planet AU - When new boy Dave arrives at school, loner Mike's life changes forever. TW: mentioned animal abuse/death, mentioned alcohol abuse, mentioned bullying, inflating titties, suicide attempts, high school hijinks, self-harm, drug use, homophobic slurs, swearing, name-calling, erotic content, excessive edginess, klowns
1. Crying Blood

_Music for this chapter: watch?v=BYfAM736qkA_

It was a sunny day, but inside Mike is was raining. As he walked into school, he scowled at all the bitches and whores, and when they smiled at him, he flipped the bird at them. Mike stomped his foot in anger as Trike sneezed on the lobby floor. They stood in the middle of the lobby, listening to the best band ever, Linkin Park, surrounded by people who just didn't understand them. Trike was an orphan, abandoned after the Great Klownpocolypse of 1852. He was raised in a human orphanage, therefore got along with humans and didn't want to eat them like the other Klowns did, however he still felt bitter pain from those around him.

"Hi" said Trike.

"God-fucking-dammit, Trike!" said Mike, who then prowled into class, like a leopard on the hunt for fresh meat. But in this case, the meat was the sweet embrace of death. Trike followed him, and they sat at the back, away from everyone else. It was the start of the new school year, and neither of the misunderstood loners were ready for what would happen in the current year ahead. The shrill sound of the bell pierced through the air, but it wasn't as sharp as the many earrings which pierced through Mike's ears. The teacher, Ms. Rodgers, entered. She was a massive stuck up bitch, but she taught math well, so Mike liked her. Math was Mike's favourite subject – a sweet relief from the pain of daily life – because it worked in rules, and was easy to understand, unlike society.

"Hey class" Ms. Rodgers chirped. "We have a new student!" Trike rolled his klownish eyes. Mike hissed. Ms. Rodgers beckoned, and into the classroom swaggered the most perfect being in the universe. Wheat gold hair, hazel eyes that reminded you of an endless sweet river of chocolate, and a body that looked like it was sculpted from marble by the greatest Renaissance artists.

"Introduce yourself, hun." Commanded Ms. Rodgers. The new boy winked at the class, and it was like stars lighting up the night sky.

"Hey y'all. My name is Dave Hanson, but you can call me Dave Handsome!" All the bitches giggled, like the floozies they were. Mike instinctively blushed, but instantly felt disgusted with himself. He wasn't like the sluts, and didn't swoon at the first sight of a pretty boy. But boy, was he pretty! Mike was gay. Trike didn't have a sexual preference, because he was a Klown, but Trike also understood and supported Mike's homosexuality.

Dave took a seat at the front of the class, next to the biggest bitch in school, Debbie Stone, who was the lead cheerleader. For the rest of math class, Mike just couldn't concentrate, as his eyes kept shifting back to the golden field that was Dave's hair. Finally, class ended, and Mike and Trike quickly evacuated the classroom, but before Mike could exit the doorway, Ms. Rodgers called to him.

"Wait, Mike!" She called. "Stay here, I must talk to you." So, reluctantly, Mike did. Trike said he would be waiting by the dumpster in the "usual spot". Unusually, Dave also was staying behind. Mike wondered: What the Hell could be going on?


	2. Songs of Demons

_Music for this chapter:_ _watch?v=SEy6WPB_txw_

"Mike, you need to make more friends." Ms. Rodgers suggested. Mike screamed on the inside, but whispered on the outside:

"Fuck you." But then Ms. Rodgers continued:

"So, I want you to take Dave round the school." Mike couldn't believe his favourite teacher would betray him like this! So, in the end, she was just like the rest. Mike scoffed, and stormed out the classroom, with Dave hot on his heel. Mike slammed the classroom door in his perfect face in defiance of his inner delight at the opportunity to be close to Dave.

Mike ambled down the stairs and out of the back door, to where Trike was waiting, with his other two "friends", The Double-Trouble Brothers: Rich and Paul Terenzi. They were the school stoners, in simple terms, and supplied Trike and Mike with the best kush in the tri-state area. Within a minute, Mike was lit the fuck up. It helped him forget his pain, and his anxiety at the new boy Dave Hanson. His emotions dissipated into the air, just like the smoke. But with a bang, his relaxation was interrupted. Dave - fucking Dave! – strolled in.

"There you are, Mike!" said Dave. Had he been looking for Mike all this time? If Mike wasn't such a poker faced loner he would be flattered. Dave flashed a dazzling smile, his teeth like pearls, but that smile swiftly disappeared when he realised what Mike was doing with his friends.

"Are you smoking marijuana! That could kill you!" said Dave. Mike was about to refute him, but suddenly, Dave lunged forward, locking his arms around Mike, and slamming his face into Mike's. His lips sealed over Mike's, and the world stopped. Mike couldn't comprehend what was going on, and for a moment everything seemed a shade lighter, but then the suction began. Mike felt marijuana that he had snorted fleeing his nostril, going through the nasal passage and exiting his mouth into Dave's! Mike's uvula was slapped silly by the rapidly retreating ash.

But then the moment ended, and all was silent. Even the Terenzi's usually chittering was replaced with a stunned silence. The only noise that could be heard was the gallop of Mike's racing heart.

"W-w-what was that!" screeched Mike at Dave. Dave only grinned.

"I stopped you from being a drug addict. Marijuana can kill y'know!" was his reply. Rich Terenzi giggled like a schoolgirl.

"So, are you two, like, fags? Are you dating?" He interrupted with all the subtly of a bull in a china shop. Dave laughed.

"Haha, no way josé. I'm dating Debs! I'm more into _Stone_ than a stoner!" Dave said nonchalantly. Mike was stunned, horrified and embarrassed.

"Fuck you!" He screamed, and punched the wall. Mike's fist bursted into flaming pain, but it was nothing compared to what he felt on the inside. He ran away, leaving a trail of blood and tears behind him.


	3. Blood and Tears

_Music for this Chapter: watch?v=aGzgoSg5OZg_

Mike was in the school bathroom, and the dirty stained floor was washed clean by his pure tears. And Trike's mop, because Trike's uncle was the school caretaker. Mike was so mortified at what had occurred outside by the dumpster that he could barely breathe. How could Dave fool him so!? But in reality, Mike was the true fool, for ever believing, just for a moment, that Dave could ever love him.

Mike got out his razor, which he kept in his favourite bag from Hot Topic. He lowered the silver blade down towards his wrist, remember the old mantra: cross for attention, down for results. This razor was going down. Mike trembled in excitement and anticipation for the relief of physical pain to heal his emotional struggle. But just before it could meet skin, three chubby fingers enclosed Mike's wrist. Trike held on tight, and tugged it away, all the time staring intensely into Mike's eyes. Mike flashed back to when they first met. It was during a dark time in his life.

When Mike was only a vulnerable fifteen year old, he was bullied horribly by the terrible elementary schoolers in his neighbourhood. They teased him endlessly for his love of Linkin Park and makeup. Mike put up with it for a while, but when his goldfish died of alcohol poisoning due to his father putting vodka instead of water in its tank, Mike finally understood reality: it was him vs. the world, and no-one truly understood him. But then he met Trike. Trike knew what it was like to be an outsider, and also his pet budgie had died as well. They were instantly bonded. And now, that friendship was being put to test, but Trike rose easily to the challenge.

Back in the bathroom, Trike was putting on a performance. Shadow puppets danced on the walls, better than even the great masters of ages gone by could do. Dogs, cats, rabbits, snakes, Linkin Park, and the American Revolution were just some of the things that were shown on the grimy bathroom wall. Mike put away his razor. He couldn't end his life just yet, not like this, and not when Trike was watching.

They skipped the rest of the school day, shouting at anyone who tried to enter the bathroom, and spent the rest of the day listening to Linkin Park. Mike and Trike were the best of friends.


	4. Scalding Wounds

_Music for this chapter: watch?v=Ps-mZ5BQQDY_

A couple weeks passed in agony, and neither Dave nor Mike brought up the incident again. It was the last period of the day, when Ms. Rodgers made an announcement.

"Tomorrow is prom guys and gals! So make sure you get your hot dates. I, for one, will be asking out the cutie pie P.E. teacher, Ms. Jones; humma humma." She smacked her lips, as if tasting the sweet skin of Ms. Jones right in front of them. Mike almost puked. His impression of the math teacher was sinking like the Titanic.

Suddenly, right in the middle of lesson, Dave swung vigorously out of his chair, and with a grand gesture, kneeled before Debbie Stone, and took her soft hands in his chiselled ones. Everyone, including Mike, held their breath and watched. Debs squealed, like the pig she was.

"Debbie, oh darlin' Debs, will you do me the honour of going to prom with me. I'm sorry this isn't so romantic, but I just couldn't hold it in myself to wait until after school." Debs giggled and nodded her head frantically, and immediately updated her Facebook status. What a bitch.

Mike died inside and cried silently, looking mournfully out of the window, his eyes set on the golden sun which reminded him of Dave's perfect locks. He continued staring until his eyes began to drip crimson blood. His tears evaporated into the air, so no-one noticed. Not that they would care to begin with. His painful session was disturbed by the fucking bell ringing. Though, in this case, it was Mike's lifelife, as the second it went off, he jumped out of his chair and leapt out of the window, the glass shattering and shards cutting into him, just how he liked it.

He landed on the Terenzi's illegally rented "ice cream truck", which they actually used to transport their drugs. Since _the_ incident, Mike hadn't tasted the sweet hash as it reminded him of the delectable taste of Dave's saliva. Mike ran off to the outskirts of the school area, where he knew there was a field of nettles awaiting him.

Once he arrived, he stripped naked aside from his underwear and lay down in the field of nettles. His pale, pristine skin was cut into sharply by the plants, and all his nerves were set alight with stinging, yet delicious, pain. He watered the weeds with his tears. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't hate Dave. In fact, he finally came to realize, he was in love with Dave. But Dave would never love him. No-on could, aside from Trike. But then, Mike's angst filled thoughts were broken by a voice he didn't expect to hear: one which haunted his dreams at night.

"Stop! You're hurting yourself Mike." It was Dave! He had come all the way to find Mike, just as he had two weeks ago. A flush ran up Mike's body when he thought of that kiss – if it could be called that – which they had shared. Dave picked up his motionless body, bridal style, and hefted him into soft clover. He lay down next to Mike.

"Why would you do that, Mike?" asked Dave, the worry evident in his voice.

"Because…You wouldn't understand Dave." Mike whispered through grinding teeth. He felt regret for throwing away his clothes.

"I just can't trust you to take care of yourself, Mikey." said Dave

"You don't know me, bitch." Said Mike, whose senses returned to him as the full situation dawned on him. Mike jerked up, and got to his feet. He began to run away. Dave called out:

"See you at prom, Mike! It's a promise." Dave smiled, and it was like summer came early for Mike. Except Mike hated summer. But maybe, just maybe, he could learn to love it.


	5. Ascension to Agony

_Music for this chapter: watch?v=I2REZSj4XnE_

The fated day had arrived. It was prom. Mike and Trike hadn't put much effort into their outfits. They wore ripped skinny jeans, with shiny chains and three belts. Mike's shirt was black like his soul, except for the Linkin Park logo on the front. His low neckline revealed a delicate porcelain collarbone, and a swanky and lacy choker. Mike hadn't bothered to brush his hair in the morning, but it was beautiful and sculptured anyway. Mike had put on an extra layer of guyliner. Finally, his outfit was topped off with polished DMs. On the other hand, Trike was wearing a polka dot shirt, and bright blue bowtie. His orange klown hair had been spiked specially with static from a balloon. Trike also was wearing red clown shoes, the only thing left from his parents.

Unlike Mike, Trike had found himself a date. It was Greta the Klownetta. She was in a tight fitting sparkly silver ball gown, and had had her blue hair styled for the event. Mike was waiting outside the hall for Trike and Greta to arrive, and finally they rolled up on Trike's tricycle. Being the gentleman he was, Trike helped Greta off, and after a wave to Mike, the three went in, Trike and Greta hand in hand. Greta's klown tittties inflated to an astronomical size.

Inside, the hall was dark and smelly. It was lit with a giant discoball which hung from the ceiling, which was brighter than their futures. Shitty music played, and it was the opposite of what Mike and Trike would usually listen to. But of course, it was the kind of crap that was popular with the bitches and whores. Everyone was dancing to the music, and Mike spotted Dave in the crowd…

Dave was wearing a white tuxedo and cowboy boots. His date Debbie was in a short miniskirt that barely covered her ass, and overall, she looked like a massive dirty slut. Dave noticed Mike and waved, and Mike covered his face with his emo fringe. Mike stood the corner, sipping cranberry juice, which he enjoyed because it reminded him of blood. Trike and Greta eventually left him to go dance.

"Hey Mike!" said Paul Terenzi, who approached. Mike rolled his eyes, as he didn't want deal with this prankster.

"Fuck off, Paul." Said Mike.

"Come off it, man! Do you want to bet on who will win prom king and queen?" asked Paul. Mike didn't. He didn't like gambling, and only ever gambled with his life. Every day. In front of a mirror. Besides, he knew who was leading the betting pool, and just thinking about it made him feel bitter, and little part of him died inside. Debbie and Dave were the front runners, and it wasn't any surprise, considering how popular the duo were.

Paul sat down next to Mike, but Mike just pushed him off the chair. Paul's nose began to bleed, and Mike was jealous of it. He stood up, and walked away to the other side of the hall, where he could be left alone. Time went by, but soon the lights dimmed further, and the principal, Mr. Curry, spoke through a megaphone. It deafened Mike, but not enough to drown out the demonic voices in his head.

"Ok everyone, listen up!" said the principal. "I am going to announce the prom king and queen." And then he did. The math and P.E. teacher tensed and waited in anticipation, but it was not them who were announced. It was Dave and Debbie! Joyfully, the pair jumped up on stage with a mighty leap. There on the stage awaited Mr. Curry, with two tissue paper crowns, obviously stolen from a Christmas cracker, clutched in his sweaty hands. The purple crown wandered onto Dave's perfect head, and Mike couldn't help but think that the colour complicated his eyes. Debbie got a bright neon pink one, which was slightly ripped. She looked annoyed at that, and Mike guffawed.

But then, his joy was crushed beneath the weight of what happened next.

Debbie grasped Dave's head between her long and spidery fingers, and while Dave tried to dodge (unseen by Mike), he was unsuccessful, and Debbie brought him into a wet, slobbery kiss on the lips. The smacking sounds resonated through the hall, and everyone cheered. Except for Mike, who collapsed on the floor and crawled out of the hall writhing like an injured leopard. He was broken. He could take this misery and pain no longer. He pulled himself up, and dashed off to the roof.

"Wait, Mike!" cried out Dave, but Mike did not hear him. Dave back flipped off the stage, knocking Debbie over in the process. He grabbed onto the disco ball and swung from it to the entrance. Dave chased desperately after Mike.


	6. Pierced Lungs and Crushed Hearts

_Music for this chapter: watch?v=xXDC89tZ4IQ_

This was it. The day had come. Mike was going to end his life, and finally be free. He stood atop the school, on the roof. Usually, it was filled with people skipping class or eating lunch, but today, it was empty; devoid of life aside from Mike. But soon, even he would no longer be there. Mike thought back to his life and realised it was worth nothing. No one was waiting for him, or so he thought…

Mike stepped up, and teetered on the edge of the roof. The ground was miles away, and wind blew through his hair, caressing it. Some of his anxiety was blown away. He knew this was the right thing to do, the only way for him to be free. Picking up his foot, he began to lean forward, however, just like twice before, he heard the voice of an angel – his angel – stopping him.

"Don't do it Mikey! Falls like that can kill you!" said Dave. Mike started crying, and he wasn't sure if they were tears of melancholy or joy.

"That's the point Dave! I don't want to live any more, if you're with Debbie." There was a moment of silence, as the two gazed at each other. Mike regretting revealing that much, and leaned further towards the edge.

"What do you mean, Mikey?" Dave said, through the tears that had just sprouted in his eyes. Mike decided to let the cat out of the bag, just before the end of his life.

"Because I love you Dave…But you love Debbie, so I must end my life to end my suffering." Mike said solemnly. Dave shook his head rapidly, but it was too late. Mike tipped off the roof, but then strong arms embraced him, and tugged him back from the edge of the abyss, from the depths of hell to the light of heaven. Dave was the Beatrice to Mike's Dante.

"I don't like Debbie that way Mikey!" Mike opened his mouth to question what Dave meant, but he hadn't the chance, as Dave suddenly, forcefully, kissed him, ramming his tongue down Mike's throat. It felt different from last time. For one, there was no suction, or marijuana. Mike felt all his angst and feelings melt away, and nothing else mattered anymore, apart from the two of them. After what felt like an eternity, Dave pulled away.

"I don't understand…" said Mike, confused at what was happening, but also delighted. Dave gave him a sweet smile, and stroked Mike's soft hair.

"I was just using Debbie to try and make you jealous. It was always you who I actually loved Mike." Explained Dave. Mike gasped. How could he have missed it for so long, and been so blind to what Dave had been doing?

"Mike, I want to take you somewhere special to me; somewhere private and away from here. Will you go with me?" Dave held out his godlike hand, and Mike took it eagerly.

"Yes, of course I will, my sweet prince." Gasped Mike. Dave led him away, off the roof and out of school. But just as they started to leave, Mike, in the corner of his eye, glimpsed Trike, standing in the corridor, giving him a double thumbs up.


	7. Raven's Hellsong

_Music for this Chapter: watch?v=Ufb70h78eO4_

After about twenty blissful minutes of walking silently together, hand in hand, they arrived at the spot Dave mentioned. It was in the middle of the woods: an empty forest clearing, with luscious plants and a small creek babbling through it. In one word: beautiful. Just like Dave. They lay down side by side in the middle, the soft grass like a blanket underneath them.

"Do you believe me? When I said it was you who I really loved?" enquired Dave. Mike nodded. Of course he believed him! Dave would never lie. Dave was all he had dreamed of for the past two weeks, after all. And now that dream was becoming reality.

Mike looked at Dave. Dave looked back at Mike. The staring contest between them grew more and more intense. Dave put a comforting hand on Mike's shoulder.

"I'm glad you believe me. I'm all too used to people not trusting me."

"What do you mean?" asked Mike.

"Well, the reason I had to transfer here was because I was kicked out of police academy."

"Kicked out!" Mike couldn't believe what he was hearing. Dave was prefect! Who would kick him out of something? But yet, Dave continued.

"I was accused of having "relations" of the sexual kind with a Klown. That is unacceptable in police academy. But I didn't! I was being framed. However, no-one believed me, and I was forced to leave. My dreams were shattered, and my life was in ruins…until I met you."

"Well…truth be told, I'm happy you were kicked out. Because you've brought light back into my life." And then Mike kissed Dave. And Dave kissed Mike back. Dave rolled top of Mike, and deepened the kiss between them. Wet noises resounded through the clearing, and the pair got lost in each other's mouths. Their tongues battled for dominance. Eventually, Dave pulled back.

"I want to go further." He said

"So do I" said Mike. Dave grinned and shimmied out of his shirt. With much effort, Mike did the same. Dave was fucking ripped, and Mike caressed his abs. His hands explored Dave's torso. One of Mike's hands drifted up, and gave Dave's man nipple a little tweak. It honked, but Mike was not disturbed. Dave, on the other hand, reached behind to his back tuxedo pocket, and took a bottle of lube and a condom out. Mike looked at it and gulped.

"I'm ready." He said. Dave nodded, and the pair hurriedly discarded the rest of their clothes, which were now littered around the clearing. After sufficient preparation, Dave inserted his thingy in Mike's hooha. It stung, but eventually, the pain turned to pleasure. Their emotions built, and eventually capsized with a mighty bang! Breathing heavily, Dave rolled off of Mike, and the two revelled in the sweet afterglow. The happy couple were content.

As Dave looked around, he noticed, behind the bushes, was Mike's best friend Trike. Trike gave Dave a small nod, as if approving of their relations, and then moonwalked away.


	8. The Void of Commitments

_Music for this chapter: watch?v=hZT4tPfWxfg_

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Soon, the end of the school year was upon them. But Dave and Mike, who were still happily in a relationship, were not out celebrating with the rest of the students. They were in a graveyard, at a funeral. Specially, three funerals. Shortly before the end of the year, Debbie Stone, and the Double-Trouble Brothers had snorted too much marijuana and overdosed. It proved fatal, and with no one to suction them, the trio died. While Mike did feel a little upset at the loss of the Terenzis, his main weed dealers, it was overridden by both the drug of love, and the joy he felt at the death of the bitch Debbie.

After the funeral, Mike took Dave to see some of his favourite graves. The pair stopped in front of a birdbath.

"Wait, Dave. I need to do something, and you need to watch me." Said Mike. Dave nodded. Mike faced the birdbath, and dipped his hands into it, making a bowl shape. He brought his water filled hand-bowl to his face, and splashed it with the water. Like magic, his makeup dripped off his face and into the dirt. Mike face, now makeupless, was somehow even more beautiful than it had been, and Dave could only stare in wonder.

"I don't need this anymore." Screamed Mike. Dave looked proud.

"I'm proud of you." he said. And then, with a flourish, Dave got down on one knee and brought out a small black box. Mike couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Mike Tobacco, would you do me the honour of marrying me?" asked Dave. He opened the box, and inside was a silver ring. It was studded with little spikes and topped with a solid gold skull. It was perfect.

"Oh my Satan, yes, I accept!" said Mike, while sobbing. But these were surely tears of joy. Dave was also crying.

"I'm so happy." Said Dave.

"Not as happy as me." Argued Mike.

"But I'M the happiest" said Trike, who had been hiding behind Mike's favourite grave.

"And now, I can give you your honeymoon present." Trike pulled out car keys, but they were not for a car. He pressed and what descended from the sky, but a large circus tent! Trike's spaceship! It flattened several graves, and also a person, but that person was a bitch, so it didn't really matter. Trike, Mike and Dave got onto the spaceship, which then took off into the sky. It launched into the atmosphere, towards Planet Klown, where Mike and Dave finally would get married.


End file.
